My book

My book is almost ready to be published on B&N. I’m terrified to do it though – what if everyone hates it and writes terrible reviews???

Just Breathe

I’ve been telling myself this a lot today.  I have struggled, successfully mind you, to hold my temper in check.  There were several times it was touch and go.  Once I can’t vent with a temper tantrum, I want to cry instead because all that excess adrenaline has to get out of my system somehow.  So while I’m still terribly annoyed, I’m also very sad and oppressed.

I need my vacation. I seriously need to get away from here for a while.  I haven’t had one since 2007 and I hardly count that as it was a trip home to see my son.  Really need to get away.  I know I am depressed and blue but part of that is work too.  Unfortunately, the dogs get it taken out on them the most because they want to go frolicking through the longer trails and I don’t feel like taking them.  It doesn’t help that humidity levels are in the 90%.

Hate feeling like this.

Allergies

My allergies are killing me today and I’m so sick of it I could scream.  Actually, I could go back to bed.  But I can’t go back to bed because my bed is just as bad as the rest of the place.

Besides, I have stuff I have to do today – like clean.  Right now at this second in time, I hate everything.

What?

I am in a rotten mood.  Seriously in a rotten mood.  I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.  Just want to scream.  Maybe I’ll take a nap.

I am broke – literally – have a vacation to CO that I absolutely can’t afford but also absolutely can’t cancel.  As everyone does, I hate being broke.  I want to have money to play and do whatever I want.

I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I get a couple of my books on the B&N site then I might make a couple extra hundred or so which would help out.  I can’t hope for more – I know the books aren’t that great but I’d like to give it a try.

Fuck

I am in a horrid mood today – absolutely horrid.  I have overdrawn my bank by $700 and it isn’t even the 15th yet.  I know I will be fine, I always am, but it is the idea of it.  I am sick to death of being broke – of never getting the things I want or want my son to have.  I’M SICK OF IT!!!

Nothing seems fair and while I know that is me whining, I can’t help it.  I know I should try to get my stories published – it doesn’t cost anything to try and I need to do that for my own peace of mind.    Even if I only get a couple hundred dollars – it is more than I have now.  I know that the places would take a large percent of what I get but still – it would be something.

Really should work more OT but can barely stand it now – how can I work more??? I have a headache almost all the time and I feel like I never have time to do anything.  It makes me nuts.  Damn.

Life

I have been struggling with what to write because I keep struggling with my feelings today.  I’m trying extremely hard to not be depressed as the day is gorgeous and really, what do I have to be depressed about??

Well, let me see.  I’m tired of the struggle my son has to go through every day to etch out a living.  He deserves better.  He is intelligent, witty, charming and handsome.  He can make me laugh at the drop of a hat or make me cry just as fast.  I know that if he could only catch a break both financially and work wise, he would become a fabulously relaxed person.  Instead he struggles – struggles to make a living, struggles to keep relationships going, struggles to feel like life is more than drudgery.  I want to be rich mainly to see the man he would become if money was removed from the equation. Where would he find his balance?

I’m down because I, myself, have money woes too plus feel like I don’t belong here in Iowa.  I long to be somewhere else – Colorado, Arizona, Boston, Seattle, Florida – instead of stuck in this state.  Unless I become rich, I can’t see myself ever getting out of here alive.  As weird as it sounds coming from this here small town country girl, I want to live in a bigger city.  I want to live where there are zoos, museums, outdoor activities, and lovely parks.  I want to be by a large lake or the ocean – live where it isn’t too hot and never too cold.  I feel like I live a life of quiet desperation here and it burns my soul.

Yes, I could move away again but not without my son – I can’t be that far away from him anymore.  Maybe it is my age and realizing that my life is more then half over with that makes being near him so important to me.  I would live in Alaska if that is where he suddenly had the itch to move to.  He is my center, my strength, my life.  So here I will stay for as long as he does.

Though I want to live elsewhere, there is a part of me that knows if I would mentally and spiritually settle into Iowa than I would be happy here.  All my years growing up I felt I didn’t belong in this state and while I acknowledge it is beautiful here, it isn’t what my soul yearns for.  When I moved back here I promised myself I would settle in and be happy but I haven’t managed it yet.  I believe if I could own my own home and if my son could own his own home, I would begin to settle in.  Owning your own place is a major root needed to grow and flourish.  I need to get over this hurdle but it is difficult.

My brother wrote a poem about our grandmother’s house which depicts the way I want my grandchildren to feel about me and my house someday.  I want to have a house that they grow up with – a place where they know there is always cookies and milk available – a place where they know they will always be loved and safe.  A gathering place where family can come together to visit, eat, play games and relax.

I suppose I should go buy a lotto ticket though I know that it is a futile act.

So Here I Am

So I have one more night to work before I have my four days off – I can’t wait.  I am making a list of things I want to do while I’m off – mostly around the house.  I have no money so can’t go do anything too fun – besides, it is everyone else’s weekend too so everywhere would be packed.

I had something more profound to write about but I was distracted and forgot – imagine that.  Took the dogs out for a quick walk and am back inside now trying to figure out what I want to do next.  Have to leave for work in a little over an hour.

Just took two Aleve on top of the 10 Tylenol I’ve had since three o’clock this morning – can’t seem to make the neck pain go away.  I wish I could find my heating pad but I can’t – no idea where it ran off to.

I’m hoping I can write some on my days off – get my story out there more.  I need to fix my skinwalker story too with all the editing changes that were given to me.  If I could come to a good conclusion, it might be ready to sell sometime soon.  Sigh.

Fracture

I have been watching the movie Fracture again with Anthony Hopkins – man he does a great job being the bad guy.

As I checked out his beautiful house I felt myself kind of frown.  What woman in their right mind would cheat on a man who provided her with such a beautiful home? The gardens, the pool, the entire place is gorgeous! I know that is superficial and I’d be the first friend to advise someone to leave a husband who was cold or dismissive.  But man, that house is gorgeous!  Oh, did I say that already?

Someday I would love to have a beautiful home like that – seriously.  I have seen homes in FL that are absolutely wonderful and while I don’t want to live there – maybe there are beautiful homes in Hawaii too if that is where my son wants to live.

Really don’t know.  I would love to have a house like the one in this movie though. 

New Leaf

I am turning over a new leaf – or simply raking up some old ones for the mulch pile.  There have been people I have been resentful of lately and I need to check my attitude.  So I have decided to start being super nice to these people – not in a false way – but sincerely nice until I can be genuinely nice.  It isn’t that I don’t like them – it is that they tend to push my buttons very quickly making me quite irritated.

I’m also working to empty my house out of everything but the essentials.  I want to get rid of the plastic furniture and go with ones that are more feng shui like wood or metal.  I have a lot to throw away – my desk is loaded down with junk mail from this past week alone – I hate the stuff.  Have decided nothing comes through my front door unless it is something I’m going to use or has a function.  So sick of all the junk!

I would love to get rid of the carpet but I don’t think my landlord would let me so I need to rent a carpet cleaner to get it cleaned or pay someone to come in and do it.  I’ve been leaning towards the latter.  As soon as I get the house uncluttered, I’m having a pest company come in to spray for fleas and spiders.

I’m also going to go to the gym more and try to find somewhere to start swimming.  The doctor shot my foot full of cortisone again so hopefully I can start jogging soon.  I need to lose weight and I’m tired of making excuses.

Argh!

I can’t pull myself free of the clingy despair that has been haunting me the past two weeks.  I feel like I’m ready to come out of my skin which is not a good feeling at all.  Today is the first day I’ve seriously thought maybe I should stop in at the EAP to have a chat with one of the counselors.

I was looking forward to my two days off only to find I have to work one of them.  Then I spoke to one of my night people and she is probably going to take more sick time off so there will be even more overtime to cover.  I can’t stand it.

Decided to sit and read one of my Feng Shui books and will spend some time trying to get my house in line with that.  I noticed there is a lot of stuff not properly aligned so will work on that when I have a moment.

I’m going to see about getting an exterminator in this week because the fleas are bad and I’m sick of dealing with them.  The dogs are biting themselves raw and are losing fur because of the flea problem.  I’m going to get rid of this couch as soon as I can too – I don’t want a material couch.

In fact, there are several things I don’t want in my apartment anymore.  When I moved in I had nothing so people gave me their “stuff” to help me have some furniture.  Now that I am settled in, I’m going to get rid of the stuff that I don’t like and look for stuff that more reflects my nature.  I like wood furniture and leather couches.  If I had my way, there would be nothing plastic or pressed wood in my house – only solid pieces made of real wood.  This means the bookcases have to go too but I will worry about them last.  All the plastic has got to go ASAP though.

I will have to keep my eyes open for a dresser for the bedroom at the second-hand shops or buy one from Craig’s list.  I use plastic drawers now.  Ugh.