Just Breathe

I’ve been telling myself this a lot today.  I have struggled, successfully mind you, to hold my temper in check.  There were several times it was touch and go.  Once I can’t vent with a temper tantrum, I want to cry instead because all that excess adrenaline has to get out of my system somehow.  So while I’m still terribly annoyed, I’m also very sad and oppressed.

I need my vacation. I seriously need to get away from here for a while.  I haven’t had one since 2007 and I hardly count that as it was a trip home to see my son.  Really need to get away.  I know I am depressed and blue but part of that is work too.  Unfortunately, the dogs get it taken out on them the most because they want to go frolicking through the longer trails and I don’t feel like taking them.  It doesn’t help that humidity levels are in the 90%.

Hate feeling like this.

Fuck

I am in a horrid mood today – absolutely horrid.  I have overdrawn my bank by $700 and it isn’t even the 15th yet.  I know I will be fine, I always am, but it is the idea of it.  I am sick to death of being broke – of never getting the things I want or want my son to have.  I’M SICK OF IT!!!

Nothing seems fair and while I know that is me whining, I can’t help it.  I know I should try to get my stories published – it doesn’t cost anything to try and I need to do that for my own peace of mind.    Even if I only get a couple hundred dollars – it is more than I have now.  I know that the places would take a large percent of what I get but still – it would be something.

Really should work more OT but can barely stand it now – how can I work more??? I have a headache almost all the time and I feel like I never have time to do anything.  It makes me nuts.  Damn.

Fracture

I have been watching the movie Fracture again with Anthony Hopkins – man he does a great job being the bad guy.

As I checked out his beautiful house I felt myself kind of frown.  What woman in their right mind would cheat on a man who provided her with such a beautiful home? The gardens, the pool, the entire place is gorgeous! I know that is superficial and I’d be the first friend to advise someone to leave a husband who was cold or dismissive.  But man, that house is gorgeous!  Oh, did I say that already?

Someday I would love to have a beautiful home like that – seriously.  I have seen homes in FL that are absolutely wonderful and while I don’t want to live there – maybe there are beautiful homes in Hawaii too if that is where my son wants to live.

Really don’t know.  I would love to have a house like the one in this movie though. 

Argh!

I can’t pull myself free of the clingy despair that has been haunting me the past two weeks.  I feel like I’m ready to come out of my skin which is not a good feeling at all.  Today is the first day I’ve seriously thought maybe I should stop in at the EAP to have a chat with one of the counselors.

I was looking forward to my two days off only to find I have to work one of them.  Then I spoke to one of my night people and she is probably going to take more sick time off so there will be even more overtime to cover.  I can’t stand it.

Decided to sit and read one of my Feng Shui books and will spend some time trying to get my house in line with that.  I noticed there is a lot of stuff not properly aligned so will work on that when I have a moment.

I’m going to see about getting an exterminator in this week because the fleas are bad and I’m sick of dealing with them.  The dogs are biting themselves raw and are losing fur because of the flea problem.  I’m going to get rid of this couch as soon as I can too – I don’t want a material couch.

In fact, there are several things I don’t want in my apartment anymore.  When I moved in I had nothing so people gave me their “stuff” to help me have some furniture.  Now that I am settled in, I’m going to get rid of the stuff that I don’t like and look for stuff that more reflects my nature.  I like wood furniture and leather couches.  If I had my way, there would be nothing plastic or pressed wood in my house – only solid pieces made of real wood.  This means the bookcases have to go too but I will worry about them last.  All the plastic has got to go ASAP though.

I will have to keep my eyes open for a dresser for the bedroom at the second-hand shops or buy one from Craig’s list.  I use plastic drawers now.  Ugh.

My mood

I’m in such a mood again.  I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I’m in a horrible mood.  Someone did something that makes me nuts but you know, I should have known better – I take responsibility for it.  Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups.

I have a friend who I assumed would do something but who didn’t.  She never does anything unless you actually tell her to do it.  You can’t ask her – you must tell her.  It is just the way it is.  I have another friend who is constantly thinking of others and jumping into help when she sees things that need done – which I greatly appreciate.

God, I’m so sick of so many things in my life right now.  I love my job usually but lately I’ve been hating it.  I don’t mind going but I hate the way things are going.  Again, it is my own fault – I haven’t stayed on task like I should have.  I am the lead, I am responsible.

I put in Scrooged to watch before work – guess I’m hoping the message in it will lift my spirits.  I’m going to start thinking about Christmas because then it will be cooler and it is a time for fun and love.

I put in for two days off this week – a much needed mental break – but I doubt I will get them.  I go on vacation for a week in September so I guess if I don’t get it, that will be fine but I wish I would.  Oh well.

God, what a crappy mood I’m in.  Sigh.

Home At Last…

Capt. Richard Phillips  has been rescued safe and sound from the clutches of modern day pirates thanks to the Navy.  Good job guys and gals. 

Phillips, as we all know, was kidnapped when his ship was attacked by pirates in an area where piracy is at an all time high.  In a selfless act, Phillips surrendered to the pirates to save his crew – something that makes him a hero right there.

The Navy kept the pirates in sight at all times and tried negotiating for the Captain’s release but talks broke down on Saturday prompting the Navy crew, with the blessing of President Obama, to attack the pirates to retrieve him.  In a daring night rescue, the Navy stormed the boat.

It is such a heartwarming story of how American’s ban together to seek the release of one of their own.  Millions of prayers went out for the Captain and his safe return. 

I do want to also mention – though I know it is kind of off the wall – that the pirates do deserve some consideration for not having killed or tortured the man.  Overseas there are so many stories of kidnappings that result in beheadings, torture and other grisly forms of death – it is nice that these guys refrained.  Granted they might have killed him had the Navy not stepped in but at least they didn’t kill him when they realised they’d never make it to shore.  They could have cut their losses, so to speak.

Welcome home, Captain Phillips!

Sleeping A Lot

My three days off have been mostly spent sleeping.  Granted I hadn’t slept well lately so felt very tired but even so, I slept more than I should have.  Yesterday I even found myself thinking that I must be in the clutches of minor depression to be sleeping all the time.  It is one of the things I do when I’m down – shut my eyes and live in my dream world for awhile.

While I wouldn’t say I have been feeling depressed – I know my symptoms well enough to see that it is heading that way if I don’t take steps now to avert it.  It is hard to force oneself to do things though when all they want to do is hide from the world.

Yesterday I forced myself to go for a 2 mile walk and that helped for a couple of hours.  Tonight I made myself go on another one even though it was after 11pm because I hoped the cool night air would help again and it did.

I must say though, I could crawl into bed right now and be asleep within minutes but I have chores to do that I should have done earlier today.  Obviously I can’t vacuum this late so I’ll get it out to remind myself to do it first thing in the morning.  Tonight I’m going to clean the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom.  A bed frame fell from the sky so I need to get my bed on it.  Really someone moved and put it out at the dumpster but it is in excellent condition and fits my bed so couldn’t ask for anything more.

Earlier I watched Stephen King’s “It” which is 3 hours and 13 minutes long.  I enjoy it right up until the end which I have always thought was a bit cheesy and beneath King.  I get the hankering to watch it about once every decade or so – I don’t know why.

Think I will put The Shining on now to keep me company as I clean.    I feel much better emotionally than I have felt on any of my days off…kind of a drag since I have to work tonight but good too in that I don’t want to be feeling down at work when I know we will be so very busy.

One of my friends in Florida just found out her mother has stage four ovarian cancer that is inoperable.  They are going to start her on chemo right away in hopes of combating it that way.  I feel for my friend who is the exact age I was when my mother died of cancer.  It is so devastating to lose your mother so young.  Hopefully she will be spared that agony and pain.  My prayers are with her.

Parable of the Sower

Parable of the Sower:

The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed a good seed in his field.  But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.  When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

The owner’s servants came to him and said “Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?”

“An enemy did this,” he replied.  The servants asked him, “Do you want us to go and pull them up?” 

“No,” he answered, “because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them.  Let both grow together until the harvest.  At that time I will tell the harvesters: first collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned, then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.” Matthew 13: 24-30.

I know this is a well known parable and I have meditated on it many times.  I must admit, I love the parables.  There is such wisdom to be gleaned from them, such understanding.  They are the explanation of the Kingdom of God in the simplest form.  One can tell some people things until they are blue in the face, but put it in a parable and you can see the light go on. 

The Parable of the Weeds Explained:

“The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man.  The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom.  The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil.  The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels.

As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age.  The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil.  They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of the Father.  He who has ears, let him hear.”  Matthew 13: 37-43.

Before the end times spoken about in the above parable, Jesus speaks of the “harvest” in Matthew 9:37 when he says “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.  Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”  In this verse, christians are called upon to go out into the harvest, the world, to bring his message to the masses. 

Jesus told the disciples: “I am sending you out like sheep among the wolves.  Therefore be shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” 

Has there ever been a time in our history when evil has not prowled around us, spreading darkness, hatred, unbelief, and greed?  No.  With all the crime in the world, is it not even more evident that the harvest is great but the workers are few? How it must grieve the Lord.

Dr Stanley pointed out in a sermon here recently that disbelief in Jesus, God and the bible will not stop the day of judgement from coming.  He said it is like seeing a 30 ft wave coming towards you and you are professing not to believe it is there even as it crashes down on top of you.  It is coming.  The question one must ask themselves is “Will I be counted among the weeds or the wheat when the season of the harvest comes?”

Walking in the Light

1John 5:7 – “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.  If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one and other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

The above verse and the previous two verses in the Peters are the ones I’ve been meditating on the past two days. 

Satan does prowl around every day looking for someone he can entice away from Jesus.  He will come at us in subtle ways – little things he tells us won’t really matter if we do them.  Why the little things? Because if he can use them to get a foothold, than he can move onto bigger things until he has chipped away our armor. 

Satan’s promises and enticements are pure evil – he always promises more than he can deliver.  Look at Adam and Eve – he enticed them that they would become like God if they ate of the apple.  A bite from an apple…seemed harmless enough and what if the serpent was correct? What if they became God-like? What would one little bite hurt?

Indeed, what did it hurt? That decision has reverberated down through history – making us all sinful creatures.  It is a slippery slope that drives a person from the presence of God.  Satan doesn’t use talking serpents to get to us today – he doesn’t need to because we are already prone to sin, greed, slothfulness, etc.  Now he just needs to whisper affirmations in our ear – making our sin feel justified. 

We look at sin on a scale of degrees – murder is horrific but stealing isn’t as bad.  A man who rapes and molests others often gets more jail time than a thief or drug dealer.  Yes, Satan has his work laid out for him – now he can sit back, smoke his cigar and watch bemusedly as we slowly destroy ourselves and our belief in God.

What we need in this country is a revival of christian values – of depending on and looking to God.  We need to be lights that shine into the darkness and bring America out of the bondage of slavery to sin.  If a person is not for God, they are for the devil.  There is no middle line. 

It makes me think of partial obedience.  If you tell your child to clean his room and he cleans only half of it – was he obedient or disobedient? There is no partial obedience – either we do as God dictates or we don’t. 

I love Stanley’s sermon about how the bible does not say “thou should consider”, “thou should think about it”, “thou maybe shouldn’t”, etc.  The bible says “thou shall not”…there is no partial part to that.  Obedience is obedience – plain and simple. 

Satan will capitalize on the areas of our disobedience.  We have areas of our life that we know aren’t in the will of God but we don’t want to let it go – Satan will use that area to wean us fully away.

Remember: “Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For everything in the world — the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does — comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.” 1 John 2:15-17.

Brain Dead

Sorry folks, I’ve been feeling a little brain dead the last few days. My sister gets exasperated because her siblings don’t write on their blogs whereas she pretty much writes everyday.

It isn’t that I’ve lost the desire to write a post, I love writing. However, when I sit at the blank “add new post” page and I struggle to think of a single thing to write – I don’t enjoy it. How do I get to this point? A couple of things come to mind.

The other day I was reading the news on the internet and it was so depressing it brought tears to my eyes. People do such horribly ugly things to each other ~ I become so disheartened. Humans are suppose to be the most intelligent creatures under the sun and yet we do horrific things that even the animal kingdom wouldn’t do. It doesn’t seem very intelligent to me.

I can’t write about that stuff anymore – it is just too bleak and dark. It doesn’t mean I believe it will cease to exist but more that I just can’t let it into my life…it hurts my soul. In Ecclesiastes 1: 17-18 Solomon wrote: “Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.”

Applying that wisdom to myself – I have decided that the more one tries to understand the reasons the wicked do what they do, the more sorrow and grievous I feel. There is no understanding – doctor’s can say it comes from many things but most of the brain is still unmapped territory so how can they know it with any certainty? Besides, what good does understanding do when it comes after the event?

There is nothing to point to in a person that will tell us if they are prone to kill their families if they become financially strapped or lose their job. There is nothing to show that a student will go on a shooting rampage because he didn’t get the grades he needed to make his parents proud. So if there can be no prevention, what good comes from understanding evil?

These are the thoughts that have been in my head the last few days. I should mention that I don’t just read the internet – at work we get all the bullitens from across the nation for people wanted in connection to some horrific homicides. We are required to read them to familiarize ourselves with the suspect and the vehicle they might be driving in case they stumble into our district. I’ve taken to skimming the ones from faraway states because the chances of them coming near us are remote. It is just too much negativity.

I leave this post with the following verses from Ecclesiasties which happens to be a favored book of mine:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven:

A time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.”