Life

I have been struggling with what to write because I keep struggling with my feelings today.  I’m trying extremely hard to not be depressed as the day is gorgeous and really, what do I have to be depressed about??

Well, let me see.  I’m tired of the struggle my son has to go through every day to etch out a living.  He deserves better.  He is intelligent, witty, charming and handsome.  He can make me laugh at the drop of a hat or make me cry just as fast.  I know that if he could only catch a break both financially and work wise, he would become a fabulously relaxed person.  Instead he struggles – struggles to make a living, struggles to keep relationships going, struggles to feel like life is more than drudgery.  I want to be rich mainly to see the man he would become if money was removed from the equation. Where would he find his balance?

I’m down because I, myself, have money woes too plus feel like I don’t belong here in Iowa.  I long to be somewhere else – Colorado, Arizona, Boston, Seattle, Florida – instead of stuck in this state.  Unless I become rich, I can’t see myself ever getting out of here alive.  As weird as it sounds coming from this here small town country girl, I want to live in a bigger city.  I want to live where there are zoos, museums, outdoor activities, and lovely parks.  I want to be by a large lake or the ocean – live where it isn’t too hot and never too cold.  I feel like I live a life of quiet desperation here and it burns my soul.

Yes, I could move away again but not without my son – I can’t be that far away from him anymore.  Maybe it is my age and realizing that my life is more then half over with that makes being near him so important to me.  I would live in Alaska if that is where he suddenly had the itch to move to.  He is my center, my strength, my life.  So here I will stay for as long as he does.

Though I want to live elsewhere, there is a part of me that knows if I would mentally and spiritually settle into Iowa than I would be happy here.  All my years growing up I felt I didn’t belong in this state and while I acknowledge it is beautiful here, it isn’t what my soul yearns for.  When I moved back here I promised myself I would settle in and be happy but I haven’t managed it yet.  I believe if I could own my own home and if my son could own his own home, I would begin to settle in.  Owning your own place is a major root needed to grow and flourish.  I need to get over this hurdle but it is difficult.

My brother wrote a poem about our grandmother’s house which depicts the way I want my grandchildren to feel about me and my house someday.  I want to have a house that they grow up with – a place where they know there is always cookies and milk available – a place where they know they will always be loved and safe.  A gathering place where family can come together to visit, eat, play games and relax.

I suppose I should go buy a lotto ticket though I know that it is a futile act.

Fracture

I have been watching the movie Fracture again with Anthony Hopkins – man he does a great job being the bad guy.

As I checked out his beautiful house I felt myself kind of frown.  What woman in their right mind would cheat on a man who provided her with such a beautiful home? The gardens, the pool, the entire place is gorgeous! I know that is superficial and I’d be the first friend to advise someone to leave a husband who was cold or dismissive.  But man, that house is gorgeous!  Oh, did I say that already?

Someday I would love to have a beautiful home like that – seriously.  I have seen homes in FL that are absolutely wonderful and while I don’t want to live there – maybe there are beautiful homes in Hawaii too if that is where my son wants to live.

Really don’t know.  I would love to have a house like the one in this movie though. 

New Leaf

I am turning over a new leaf – or simply raking up some old ones for the mulch pile.  There have been people I have been resentful of lately and I need to check my attitude.  So I have decided to start being super nice to these people – not in a false way – but sincerely nice until I can be genuinely nice.  It isn’t that I don’t like them – it is that they tend to push my buttons very quickly making me quite irritated.

I’m also working to empty my house out of everything but the essentials.  I want to get rid of the plastic furniture and go with ones that are more feng shui like wood or metal.  I have a lot to throw away – my desk is loaded down with junk mail from this past week alone – I hate the stuff.  Have decided nothing comes through my front door unless it is something I’m going to use or has a function.  So sick of all the junk!

I would love to get rid of the carpet but I don’t think my landlord would let me so I need to rent a carpet cleaner to get it cleaned or pay someone to come in and do it.  I’ve been leaning towards the latter.  As soon as I get the house uncluttered, I’m having a pest company come in to spray for fleas and spiders.

I’m also going to go to the gym more and try to find somewhere to start swimming.  The doctor shot my foot full of cortisone again so hopefully I can start jogging soon.  I need to lose weight and I’m tired of making excuses.

Frustrated with myself

I don’t know why but I am so frustrated these days.  I am hating the job that I love and everyone associated with it.  I don’t understand what is wrong with me.  Actually, I have been hating most everything lately and the only bright spot in my life is my son and family.  I don’t get it.

Granted I have a history of depression but why has it been so bad lately? What is making it harder than usual to hold my tongue? I pride myself on being in control of my emotions but lately that control keeps slipping. I haven’t lost my temper yet but have been close many times.

Ugh – am so tired of it.

Today its about yesterday

We all have those nostalgic days where we wonder what would have been if we had made other choices.  I suppose no one can go through life without wondering and reassessing the choices they made.  Most people could probably come up with a few things they would do differently if they could do it over knowing then what we know now.  Unfortunately, that isn’t the way it works.

Our choices are made by what information is available to us at that time.  We assimilate the data and choose what we hope is the best course of action.  Hind sight is always 20/20 – the future never is.  Ten years from now I will probably look back on this time of my life and be able to pick out some things I could have done differently – though right in the here and now, I am blinded to those options.

Sometimes I wish I could see the “big” picture – that I could see how my life will unfold so I can be prepared.  But really, how boring life would be if we knew exactly what we’d be doing, where we’d be doing it, who we’d be doing it with, and why we’d be doing what we were doing ten, twenty, thirty years from now.  It takes away possibilities and options – it steals hope.

So instead of spending my time today wishing I could change things in the past, I am spending it looking to the future with optimism, enthusiasm, and yes, hope.  I don’t know how it will all unfold – I fear there may be a few heartaches ahead of me but I also know that I will cope with them when they present themselves.  Really, what choice do I have? 

Friends

In the elevator down to the basement where I work, the thought jumped into my head that maybe I should see out a counselor.  I had an excellent one in Sarasota – I really liked her – and think maybe I should look for one up here.  Why, you may ask.

I was thinking about that, though I have many friends, I really don’t have anyone I can talk to.  I mean really talk to.  Someone who listens without judgment, without indignation, without platitudes, and without judgment.

Sometimes a trained professional asking me the right questions to trigger the answer that I already know but can’t seem to put my finger on, is so very helpful.  I value that.

A counselor does that – they ask who, what, why, when, where, how of the situation and gives leading questions that help me organize my thoughts and the situation.  You may be wondering why I can’t do it on my own since I know the questions.

The answer is simple really.  When you are in the middle of something – it doesn’t have to be a crisis – you are so focused on one thing that you can’t see the bigger picture.  You might think you can but once you start trying to put it all together, it just seems to not fit right.  Some people – and I know a few – see things more black and white so they don’t have trouble with the gray.

My coworker thinks I think too much – that I am always analyzing rather than just accepting that life is as it is and float along with the rest of the world.   I am a laid back person when it comes to my interaction with others – exceptions are road rage and those who hurt others.

But I take a lot to heart too.  Things friends and family say that really hurt my feelings bother me and I wrestle with the correct response.   My motto is if the response will cause them anger or pain then it is better to say nothing.  Like any motto, I try to live by it but have slipped more than once.

I like someone who is detached from every situation who can help me answer the questions and see the options I have.  My niece is a counselor and I’m sure she could explain this so much better than I can.  I’m going to have to ask her for her clinical view on why people without major problems or crisis still want to see counselors.

The thing is, and I have heard my sister say the same thing, none of my friends or family really know the deep dark “me” – a counselor is paid to get to know that part of myself and help me make sense of it.  Does that make sense?

After reading this post, do you not see why I should seek out a counselor? It is about as organized and insightful as trying to analyze mud.  LOL

Just Thinking

I’ve been thinking today about getting rid of cable tv.  I would keep the internet.  It isn’t an issue of money really but more that I would like to not have those things clouding my life.  Hours in front of the tv are completely wasted and that bothers me.  I keep talking about how I’d like to simplify my life and live more like the people back in the old days.

Granted, internet is a “new” days kind of thing but I need  that to keep in touch with people and to pay my bills.  The cable is $60+ a month and for what? Bland entertainment that I don’t even really enjoy while I’m watching it.

Besides the cable tv, I am thinking I should get a bike and then start riding to work on Saturdays and Sundays to save gas, get exercise, and be outdoors.  I have a bike picked out at Walmart but won’t buy it till next month.  I know I wrote about the bike already on the other blog.

I’m going through my day to day life looking at other things that I could cut out to make life more simplistic – I’m looking to cut the fat, so to speak.  It is an intriguing idea that has been blossoming in my mind all day.

It would be rather awesome to start reading and writing more!

Psalms 46

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Psalms 46: 1-3

I find this passage comforting.  No matter what comes at us in life, He is our refuge and our strength – what could we possibly fear or worry about?

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge.  I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.  Psalmst 57: 1

What comfort to think about be sheltered under the wings of God! The Psalms were, of course, written by David who had fled from Saul into a cave.  He obviously had reason to be stressed and unhappy but he knows that God will not forsake him.

Nor will God forsake us – no matter how far we may have drifted from him, he is still with us.  There are so many treasure nuggest of wisdom in the Bible – I think I could read it every day for the rest of my life and still not glean all the riches from it.

Parable of the Sower

Parable of the Sower:

The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed a good seed in his field.  But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.  When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

The owner’s servants came to him and said “Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?”

“An enemy did this,” he replied.  The servants asked him, “Do you want us to go and pull them up?” 

“No,” he answered, “because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them.  Let both grow together until the harvest.  At that time I will tell the harvesters: first collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned, then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.” Matthew 13: 24-30.

I know this is a well known parable and I have meditated on it many times.  I must admit, I love the parables.  There is such wisdom to be gleaned from them, such understanding.  They are the explanation of the Kingdom of God in the simplest form.  One can tell some people things until they are blue in the face, but put it in a parable and you can see the light go on. 

The Parable of the Weeds Explained:

“The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man.  The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom.  The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil.  The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels.

As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age.  The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil.  They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of the Father.  He who has ears, let him hear.”  Matthew 13: 37-43.

Before the end times spoken about in the above parable, Jesus speaks of the “harvest” in Matthew 9:37 when he says “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.  Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”  In this verse, christians are called upon to go out into the harvest, the world, to bring his message to the masses. 

Jesus told the disciples: “I am sending you out like sheep among the wolves.  Therefore be shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” 

Has there ever been a time in our history when evil has not prowled around us, spreading darkness, hatred, unbelief, and greed?  No.  With all the crime in the world, is it not even more evident that the harvest is great but the workers are few? How it must grieve the Lord.

Dr Stanley pointed out in a sermon here recently that disbelief in Jesus, God and the bible will not stop the day of judgement from coming.  He said it is like seeing a 30 ft wave coming towards you and you are professing not to believe it is there even as it crashes down on top of you.  It is coming.  The question one must ask themselves is “Will I be counted among the weeds or the wheat when the season of the harvest comes?”

Not Even

I’m not even sure what to write about – seems like there isn’t much to say right now.  I’ve been at work 5 hours – I’m anxious for the next several hours to be over so things will be quiet rather than busy.  I’m anxious for spring too but that is another story.

I do have a request I’ve been asking God about that I don’t seem to be getting any help on.  I would like to not dread my job so much – to be more thankful and content here.  Why am I so discontent and unhappy here? I just don’t understand it.

I’m being paid decently, have insurance and paid vacation – I believe this job was a gift from God and  yet I dread coming here and hate just about every minute I spend here.  I keep looking at the clock wishing the time would go by faster.

I know part of it is law enforcement in general – I’m sick of all the bad stuff people do to each other and of the few police officers with cocky attitudes.  I hate the guards calling in their wereabouts every fifteen to thirty minutes – part of the time I know they are lying because I have to send an officer there and he will beat the guard who called in five minutes earlier to say they were at that building.

Downtown is heating up – it is going to be a fun night.  Please pray for my attitude towards this job.  I hate it.