I’m going to join the gym at the new Wellness center this coming month.  I am giving up my core membership as it costs me too much for no more than I use it.  I have too many other things the money needs to go for plus the wellness center has a pool and a jogging track.  I must get into shape – I just must.

I’ve updated my exercise chart for the new challenge and beyond – I hope I can stay with it this time.  I’m going to put up a dry-erase board so I can get back from exercising and record my minutes/miles immediately without having to boot up my computer first.  I tend to put off the recording part and then can’t remember what the results were.  Plus I can add motivational stuff to the board and will, no doubt, use it the rest of the year as well to remind myself of those little things I so often forget.

I have to say, I haven’t felt well at all since getting home from vacation.  Besides being exhausted, I’m short of breath and feel so weak.  I don’t know if it is the dramatic change in the altitude or if my system is rebelling against all the stuff I did this past week – eating and exercising wise.

I’m contemplating joining Weight Watchers online – haven’t decided yet on that one.  It is rather expensive for no more than it does.

I don’t expect the book to do that well anyway – it is my first pathetic attempt.  Really, I think I’ll be happy to be able to have it on my Nook – who cares if no one else likes it?

The next several stories are better – which only makes sense as the last one was written over ten years ago.  I would hope I have improved in a decade of writing.  I guess we shall see.

I need my vacation. I seriously need to get away from here for a while.  I haven’t had one since 2007 and I hardly count that as it was a trip home to see my son.  Really need to get away.  I know I am depressed and blue but part of that is work too.  Unfortunately, the dogs get it taken out on them the most because they want to go frolicking through the longer trails and I don’t feel like taking them.  It doesn’t help that humidity levels are in the 90%.

Hate feeling like this.

Besides, I have stuff I have to do today – like clean.  Right now at this second in time, I hate everything.

I am broke – literally – have a vacation to CO that I absolutely can’t afford but also absolutely can’t cancel.  As everyone does, I hate being broke.  I want to have money to play and do whatever I want.

I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I get a couple of my books on the B&N site then I might make a couple extra hundred or so which would help out.  I can’t hope for more – I know the books aren’t that great but I’d like to give it a try.

Nothing seems fair and while I know that is me whining, I can’t help it.  I know I should try to get my stories published – it doesn’t cost anything to try and I need to do that for my own peace of mind.    Even if I only get a couple hundred dollars – it is more than I have now.  I know that the places would take a large percent of what I get but still – it would be something.

Really should work more OT but can barely stand it now – how can I work more??? I have a headache almost all the time and I feel like I never have time to do anything.  It makes me nuts.  Damn.

Well, let me see.  I’m tired of the struggle my son has to go through every day to etch out a living.  He deserves better.  He is intelligent, witty, charming and handsome.  He can make me laugh at the drop of a hat or make me cry just as fast.  I know that if he could only catch a break both financially and work wise, he would become a fabulously relaxed person.  Instead he struggles – struggles to make a living, struggles to keep relationships going, struggles to feel like life is more than drudgery.  I want to be rich mainly to see the man he would become if money was removed from the equation. Where would he find his balance?

I’m down because I, myself, have money woes too plus feel like I don’t belong here in Iowa.  I long to be somewhere else – Colorado, Arizona, Boston, Seattle, Florida – instead of stuck in this state.  Unless I become rich, I can’t see myself ever getting out of here alive.  As weird as it sounds coming from this here small town country girl, I want to live in a bigger city.  I want to live where there are zoos, museums, outdoor activities, and lovely parks.  I want to be by a large lake or the ocean – live where it isn’t too hot and never too cold.  I feel like I live a life of quiet desperation here and it burns my soul.

Yes, I could move away again but not without my son – I can’t be that far away from him anymore.  Maybe it is my age and realizing that my life is more then half over with that makes being near him so important to me.  I would live in Alaska if that is where he suddenly had the itch to move to.  He is my center, my strength, my life.  So here I will stay for as long as he does.

Though I want to live elsewhere, there is a part of me that knows if I would mentally and spiritually settle into Iowa than I would be happy here.  All my years growing up I felt I didn’t belong in this state and while I acknowledge it is beautiful here, it isn’t what my soul yearns for.  When I moved back here I promised myself I would settle in and be happy but I haven’t managed it yet.  I believe if I could own my own home and if my son could own his own home, I would begin to settle in.  Owning your own place is a major root needed to grow and flourish.  I need to get over this hurdle but it is difficult.

My brother wrote a poem about our grandmother’s house which depicts the way I want my grandchildren to feel about me and my house someday.  I want to have a house that they grow up with – a place where they know there is always cookies and milk available – a place where they know they will always be loved and safe.  A gathering place where family can come together to visit, eat, play games and relax.

I suppose I should go buy a lotto ticket though I know that it is a futile act.

I had something more profound to write about but I was distracted and forgot – imagine that.  Took the dogs out for a quick walk and am back inside now trying to figure out what I want to do next.  Have to leave for work in a little over an hour.

Just took two Aleve on top of the 10 Tylenol I’ve had since three o’clock this morning – can’t seem to make the neck pain go away.  I wish I could find my heating pad but I can’t – no idea where it ran off to.

I’m hoping I can write some on my days off – get my story out there more.  I need to fix my skinwalker story too with all the editing changes that were given to me.  If I could come to a good conclusion, it might be ready to sell sometime soon.  Sigh.

As I checked out his beautiful house I felt myself kind of frown.  What woman in their right mind would cheat on a man who provided her with such a beautiful home? The gardens, the pool, the entire place is gorgeous! I know that is superficial and I’d be the first friend to advise someone to leave a husband who was cold or dismissive.  But man, that house is gorgeous!  Oh, did I say that already?

Someday I would love to have a beautiful home like that – seriously.  I have seen homes in FL that are absolutely wonderful and while I don’t want to live there – maybe there are beautiful homes in Hawaii too if that is where my son wants to live.

Really don’t know.  I would love to have a house like the one in this movie though.